Lessons in loss of control.
For those of you who may not know, I am very much an alpha. I don’t mean alpha female, but rather the alpha in my family. I’m the protective mommy of my children, the hard working wife, and the loving dutiful daughter. It also means that I like to be in control, and this year has been a real lesson in letting go of the things that I have no control over.
I wanted to get pregnant quickly and easily again like I did with both Lillian and Katrina, but it’s already been almost five months, and nada. I am okay with this, though I will honestly admit that I am bummed I won’t get by ’09, ’11 and ’13 years that I wanted. I have five more months to get my 2, 4, 6 pattern (even if only for a few days before Katrina gets 3). I know that it will happen if and when my body is ready to. Whether you believe in a higher power as I do (in which case it’s his choice) or not, in which case my body and my husband’s need to align and if it takes a month or two years, I’m open to it, and good with it, though it is causing me to test me to adjust to lack of control.
Next, having my hip injury sideline my running for a long time this year and derail my race plans for a big chunk of this year. I still have plans to run a 10 km race in June but Sunday is the Waterloo half and it’s the first time I’m missing it when I wasn’t pregnant. It’s a part of recovering from an injury and dealing with a husband who is training for his first marathon. But the loss of control in my running distance, days, times, speeds, it’s all driving me crazy some days! But I am planning to start my crazy early morning runs again in May after my husband finishes his marathon and my work calms down more.
Finally, and I’m embarrassed to admit this, I’ve developed a stupid crush that should go away already. I always hated them in high school, and today it is no less annoying. I love my husband and he is my everything, and I know that as people we can’t help be notice others, and occasionally stupid stuff like this will happen but I am done with it. I hope that when my husband and I have more time together this summer that it’ll just slip away into the night and my attention will shift back to him.
So now I focus on the things I have control over. I’m working on my temper, trying to get more sleep, focusing on having a wonderful spring and summer with my family, having fun with my friends, working on increasing my fitness and just trying to be really happy. I hope you’ll stick around as I work on all these things over the next few months.
I know how you feel with the frustration in getting pregnant. I’m on month three of Clomid and am hopeful it will work or it’s back to the OB and back to the drawing board of why my body doesn’t easily get pregnant. Hopefully you are pregnant soon! And me, too.